Love is Not What You Think It Is. It is Conditional

Love Is Not Unconditional — Neither is Access

People continue to confuse love, as I once did, with sacrifice, work, commitment, and ultimately misalignment. Let me say this plainly, the way I’ve always said it: Love has no business being unconditional. That statement still makes people uncomfortable — and it should — especially if they’re still defining love the way most people do: as a feeling, a commitment, a measure of devotion, a sacrifice, a labor, something you give to another person and maintain through effort and endurance. If that is what you think love is, then yes — it absolutely should be conditional.

And I stand by that.

The Cultural Confusion Around Love

In the dominant cultural framework, love is treated as something personal and transactional. Due to all of the cultural misrepresentations and distortions around love, people think:

• You feel love

• You give love

• You work at love

• You prove love

• You earn love

• You withhold love

In that model, love becomes synonymous with what is really relational access — proximity, availability, loyalty, tolerance, and staying no matter what. And that is exactly where people go wrong. People equate love with those things. Because what they’re really doing is pouring effort, energy, time, and emotional labor into relationships that don’t reciprocate, don’t value them, and don’t meet the requirements of a healthy relational field — then calling that love. Hello! That’s not love at all. It’s misalignment that you may be rationalizing as love to stay comfortable.

So when I said unconditional love was a sham, I wasn’t talking about reverence for humanity. I wasn’t talking about compassion. I wasn’t talking about recognizing the divine in other beings. I wasn’t talking about the unconditionality of the love one feels for God, or their children, or themselves. I was talking about relationships — adult relationships — and the dangerous idea that people are entitled to unlimited access to you.

They are not. If you wanna get technical though, when you really understand what love is, it is conditional. You know why? Because certain conditions must be present for it to flow. Read on and you’ll understand just what I mean.

The Statement Still Stands — At That Level

If you are someone who still believes that love is sacrifice, commitment, endurance, effort, and emotional labor, then my statement still applies exactly as stated: Love should be conditional. Because that effort should not be flowing to people who don’t value you. That commitment should not be given to people who don’t reciprocate. That labor should not be poured into relationships that drain and exhaust your nervous system and extract your life force. At that level of understanding, the statement protects you inside of what you consider love.

And that matters.

Beautiful couple expressing love on a busy street

But Love Is Not What You Think It Is

Now — here’s where the conversation shifts for those who can hear it at a certain frequency. Love is not a possession. It is not something you give or get from another human being. It is not something you extract, earn, or deserve. And it does not originate in the human ego or personality. Love is a field. Love is a frequency. Love is the organizing principle of reality itself. Love is Divine! Imagine that! Let me break down the basics. Love is God, Source, or whatever you call it. Love is harmony. Love is abundance. Love is prosperity. Love is what holds this entire cosmos together. It is always flowing. You live in a sea of love. You cannot stop love from flowing — but you can be a poor conductor of it. You heard it here, first.

Conductivity, Not Worthiness

Think of the love as the frequency and glue that holds everything together in this universe. It bestows all of our blessings, or it allows them to flow. It is a steady, reliable, perfectly magnificent and abundantly fruitful energy and reality. There is no preference for who it flows to individually. So, it’s not about who is worthy and who is not. This is where people get tripped up and start asking the wrong questions. What I am saying has nothing to do with worthiness. This is not about God loving some people more than others. This is not about moral superiority, wealth, or even outward success. Love does not stop existing because someone lives in scarcity. Abundance does not stop flowing because someone cannot receive it. That’s universal law. But, there is an important distinction that one needs to be aware of. The reality is people receive and transmit love based on conductivity — their internal coherence, regulation, openness, and capacity to hold harmony. Some people conduct that frequency better than others. It’s no different than understanding currents of electricity and how certain materials and elements conduct electricity better than others. It’s a structural reality. While love is always there, it is reception that varies. That applies to individuals — and it applies even more clearly to relationships.

Relationships Are Like Containers

A relationship is not just two people who have love inside them. A relationship is a shared field created by two people. For this reason, the question should never be, “Do these two people love each other?” It should be, “Can love flow in the relationship without unnecessary friction, in this shared field that we create?” We must give greater consideration to whether there is enough alignment to allow love to circulate, be held, and then be sustained. These are critical questions people never consider because their ideas and definitions of love are distorted to begin with. My work is about clearing the distortions around love and correcting the way love has been misunderstood. For love to emerge at deeper levels, the Alignment Field™ must exist. I discuss this in depth in my book, The Alignment Field ™: The Invisible Soil Beneath the Seed of Effortless Love, because a shift in how humans understand and experience love must take place on this planet. We must understand and ensure that the minimum requirements for love exist prior to entanglement— coherence, reciprocity, safety, regulation, and alignment. These load-bearing supports, and others, within and without, must dictate the relational decisions we make.

This Is Where Relational Access Comes In

The distinction people refuse to make is that love is conditional, requiring preconditions for its manifestation and emergence. Relational access should require the same conditions. Relational access has to do with who gets proximity to you, who gets your time, who gets your emotional availability and who gets to participate in your life. And that must be conditional. And so whether you are misunderstanding the true nature of love or not, (or even calling what you are experiencing love —when it’s not), or whether you understand what relational access is and how it differs from authentic love: degree of access is not guaranteed in either/any case, and one shouldn’t expect that it would be. Love is higher order intelligence and must be aligned with. And as it relates to how love flows to human beings, that only happens through levels of alignment. So we must consider who and what we are in bed with, literally.

Why relate to those who we are in misalignment with when we have higher aspirations of relational experience? We must ask ourselves, and we must look at our history and our patterns. Why do we or why would you allow access or offer access to a person who you know is not aligned with you or who might not even possess a basic level of relational capacity? Love works the way it works as a divine principle that cannot be defied or tampered with. When a relationship is chaotic, devaluing, coercive, or misaligned, it’s not that love disappears from the universe. Remember, it’s always in flow abundantly as the glue of existence. It’s that the container, the relational field, ceases to be compatible with its flow.

Two Levels. One Truth.

So here’s the clarity, without contradiction:

• If you define love as effort, sacrifice, and endurance — love is conditional.

• If you understand love as a field, a flow, a frequency — access is still conditional.

Love responds to coherence, harmony, ease and openness, not willpower. These are conditions, where love flourishes, thrives, multiplies exponentially, and is able to flow freely without contraction. Love responds to alignment—not suffering, challenges, chaos, dysfunction, disharmony, conflict, and so on. Love does not increase because you try harder or you want it desperately. You don’t control that, alignment does. And across multiple levels, and layers of life. I get into this topic and other critical issues in love in my book, The Alignment Field ™: The Invisible Soil Beneath the Seed of Effortless Love. Just understand that the greater the alignment, the greater the flow. When alignment deteriorates or ceases to exist, the flow of love contracts, and or is no longer available. So, in effect, love does actually have conditions. This is just the way the universal works. It’s just the way it is. Love flowing with conditions can sound strange to folks, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Conditions like your capacity to be a conductor of it, the ability of your vessel to carry love as reflected in your ability for alignment, coherence, and internal order. That’s it and that’s all. If love needs this to flow properly, then relational access should certainly be conditional, right? That’s law. So, ask yourself, where are you out of alignment?

And the beat goes on. People keep confusing boundaries with a lack of love. They keep confusing endurance in relationships that have intense highs and lows, and conflict, with their ability to be connected to another human being and experience depth and meaning. Yes, many people experience relational love as their ability to endure years of trials and tribulations, drama, and misalignment. It feels noble to the one who rationalizes it. But….. Does, this sound like love to you, when you know what love is? Men and women keep confusing suffering with virtue. And until that confusion is cleared, people will keep calling misalignment love — and seeing self-abandonment, self-betrayal, and settling in general as a worthy pursuit. Remember this. Love is always flowing. The only question is whether the individual — and the relationship — can conduct it. And relational access should never be unconditional.

That has always been the point. To dig deeper into a discussion on this topic, click here.

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